bathroom thoughts

I'm leaving my tears of today in the past of yesterday , cause they are sheded and they are done. I spat what I felt kicked screamed and yelled, tried to make my point. Try to get it through to my soul to see if it would answer back, this time it was quiet, my heart spoke out, my head. Stated the facts which I whispered.So my ears would know. The truth is out in the open clear &bright as day. My answer ; when I do I stop letting my past change my future.

(Sigh) I don't get why I am so emotional! Well last week I made the decision to not prolong anything w| joshua cause its no use I don't see us going anywhere , I am not a little kid I dnt play the games anymore cause in the end I'm not gonna our my heart into a half listening ear. He has a girl&shes not going any where and in the end its fucked up towards her. I know delroy thinks I've could of made it something but it just would of been a fuck and I have feelings for him so for me it would of been deeper, he doesn't "come home" to me at night, I'm not a main priority. I'm only important when I'm around& vice versa so now what's the point ? Maybe that saddens me ' I'm actually and truly ALONE.

So , this week I've been pretty outof it. Just sort a down & I'm starting to feel as if idnt need not near one of these human things in my life, they are starting to become real useless dull& repetitive. None of them is saying anything new& I just see the same in all. Even howard I haven't been feleing him lately& I'm thinking to myself don't do that , because in the end yu will regret. Its just shit is dry& I'm looking forward in my life moving& grooving trying to make something of my life and maybe I feel like I should leave everyone behind. Its starting to bother me that I'm naturally down and easily and extremely emotional. Where do I go from here ?

just to say

Just to say I'm happy , smiling & gleaming . Not even jesus could understand , well maybe he could . My weekend has been swell . & with no complaints&i haven't said that in the longest time . Chipper . Excited gleefully golly . Any one of those words can pin point my mood . Could this be would this be the one ?

&again.

Fuck my blog isn't working ' well antiways I was walkin listen to mary j & I was thinking well yu know I do like howard for w|e silly little reasons now wether he likes me is the question , cause its funny w| him . & like shiet nikka could really be unda me lol for the moment , I guess I'm just ready for a fill fleged relationship ' with someone who ithink is worth the trouble wether he has hoes or not doesn't concern me ' cause shit I know I am not perfect&imay occasionally cheat or so , but I've tried many times to have a relationship & then its falls short or maybe I fall short . Yu gotta think well maybe its me ' is it always me ? If yu get to thinkin . .

& to end the night I feel like I'm slowly just going to accept anyhting ' just to feel "loved" uh I'm already accepting be a sideline hoe being # 2 to something I figured would soon end it is just a phase & now look how it has prolonged & it will soon deepen .That scares me. DEEPLY.I'm spiraling outta of it'someone push stop, escape eject'where's the HAULT sign wait there are none of those buttons in life' its just yu& the world yu choose when to stop when to put your foot down&when to take control the time is NOW or NEVER. When will I choose ?

what happens ?

What happens when no ones left to love you ?
To hold yu ! Or to make yu feel the most comfort .
What happens when the one that was suppose to love yu forever turens&give that forever love to someone else . . .

Scared Feelings

In the health fair` two people one gay&another a straight female but both have hiv\aids virus , now I'm concerned for my friend paris , cause he is a bisexual& iwouldnt dare want him to catch anything&die oo godforbid . He says he is going to get tested ihope so , he said he wouldn't tell any of us , shit if it was I wouldn't either . That's embarrasing. Well I just wanted to express that .

Perfect org Nov 3

In the search for perfect I sought a lot of short comings , in the words of hardnett I'm always on the search for perfect& that once I found out that the person isn't what my standards of "perfect" should bee I up&leave em . I may say that is not true , I only leave cause they. REALLY piss me off&they not my man anyway or b|c I'm tired of them they don't excite me or treat me some kind of way ( that I sometimes blow wayyyy outta proportion) but even when they don't do that I juss leave em I make myself believe that they did or try to do one of those things& then its over . I normally like yu if your naturally sweet on me ' no game juss cool. Ya noe ? Well back to the issue ' vanillabean has a drinking problem cause 5outof the 7days of the week this negro is "drunk" on a fuckin weekday . Yu know its a problem when this nikka is drunk on a weekday .! Nikka said it help him heel the pain ; of waht? Now I'm not gonna get all deep &emotional w| the cat I don't know him well enough but maybe that's a turn off I atleast want a nikka that's tryna do something . I mean I can't say he not b|c he stay curvin me'&if he curve me onemore time its. REAL SLIM for him&ima date arnold b|c so far as I can see he is the only boy other than a few others that care for me that I could trsut in a relationship imean I already know what our problem would be If we dated ' the fact that I won't believe anything he say&the fact that he ALWAYS talkin to a new girl stay on aim .&sometimes juss doesn't caree . I'm thinking real hard abt goin out w| him . Or maybe sheldon. MAYBE. Now vanillabean he really startin to piss me off when the fuck imma get my date ? Wtf yu be doin soo important iwonder if thiss nikka gotta girl. Shit I'm aggravated ' until another day _NB*

P.S sometimes , just sometimes I get easily discouraged.

on the real

Back ' for a sentimental reason. I feel as if I truly truly give up on any hopes of a satisfiying relationship. Or anything else of that sort that has to do w| a male being other than sexual intercourse (ha) b|c its just not gettin any where &irather be alone then to end up at so many dead ends .

Aggitated org Nov 3, 09

Here we are again , yet another day of the week I'm aggiatated. West 45 street infront of barnes&nobles, since when does my sister or mom read books ; number one ididnt even wanna come down here in the first pkace but yet again I have to guide thing 1 & thing 2 around manhattan when all I really wanted to do was stay in my bed until I was ready to get my hair done most things don't always work out my way . Until another day _NB*

on my mind

Whew ! Ahh here is something that is on my mind it comes &goes ' it passes but then it always shows up&ithink its pressing for a sloution. The sense of LONELINESS, a sense or a phase which everyone dreads ' but some people perfer ' now me well let's say that depends. Maybe i use people for my own happiness when I want to when idnt ' but don't they do it to me ? LONELINESS a sense of knowing that no ones there or will be there for yu as how yu like but why be so dependent ? Not not dependency ' comfort the sense of warmth to know that there is a shoulder to lean on . But what happens when its runs out &it will then what b|c not everyone will understand , not everyone is there to help . "My loneliness" its a pahse, comes&goes 'passes but it hits hard ' I feel lonely w| everything now . Boy,friends,life . Yea life ' like its a big gap between when I sleep ' wake up ; school&home it feels like something should be occupying the free space in between but no its stays open. Mainly my fauly b•c I got so use to bein independent somewhat or on my own jus worrying about my own feelings &i can't quite say it always helped being so one sided ' b|c boys have fell for me ovr&ovr & brushed them off ' I was SCARED, of bein comforted & end up. LONELY. nothin I could do or say to change it , over time I had to tell my self that it was okay to open up ' maybe this one, maybe that one ' maybe another day. I do open up shit happens people lie ' I get fucked over ' I get scared again but even more scared&more cautiuos more worried ; then a( light bulb ) no more nia cause yu realized "I self destruct every relationship so that idont get hurt; but in truth I just hurt myself worse in the long run" & then it started to make sense & I lightened up . I started to&in doing I'm makin a transition from leel girl to young lady' adult , I no longer think the same way of relationships or how they will end&if I do end up ALONE . be alone if you choose to, not by force b|c the worst soul is a LONELY ONE.

1st blog :)

When it comes to relationshipss I have certain views ; that imaybe would follow if i was in relationship I feel like all these relationshipps fail b|c of bullshit that people keep lettin in or keep happening&its juss certain things that I feel like I can let slide ; my mom said "not everyone is as smart as yu or thinks like you" which I sometimes forget & then iqet upset when ppl dnt understand me or try& make me look at shit a different way&then ihave to think re evaluate&put wht they said into consideration, which then sometimes fucks up my thinking ' then back to re-evaluating . Then to make a decision that may sometimes makes myself unhappy . Ahh then back two weeks l8tr for another evaluation . Here's come when ppl say I over think shit ' which ahh well fuck it , its true. Then iover think the wrong shit I'm always tryin to spare someones feelings . Cause iguess hurting them for no reason is hard for me, that's why ibeat around the bush maybe even lead them on ; un-knowingly knowing .then they get hooked ' now icant shake em&then everyones puts there two sense & then I'm pressured &pushed into a sqaure, a box shit a fuckin triangle . Now Nia's thinks AGAIN. Fuck quit it ! Juss let shit happen nia ' yea well only way that happens is when I'm intoxiacted , cause then ihave an excuse when people jump down my back. Hey that's the only way I feel comfortable coming outta my shell is when im high; drunk. BOTH. Not good huh ? I know but fuck it , who's gonna stop me ?